Can I do this again?

Wow its almost been a whole year since I've done this. After my last post there was a huge backlash from my family for putting out all my deepest thoughts and "airing my dirty laundry". I started to just write my thoughts down in a journal/diary on paper. I still needed to get out of my head so I wrote it down in a book like I used to before Blogs were around. But I guess my own defiance is that I'm going to type it here if you don't like what it says then go somewhere else. I'm scared to be putting out all my thoughts and emotions for anyone and everyone but I really think that mental illness needs to be put out there. I'm still scared to go anywhere without my security network, and even then when I go out it scares me. It takes me at least an hour before an appointment to get me out the door. Lots of people have asked me why I don't go back on medication. The answer to that is quiet simple. The medicine did not make me better. It made me numb to the world and everything around me. It took away all my emotions. Not just the sad, scary, panic, but the joys and happiness! I still can't go for a walk with my kids. When I step out my front door to have a smoke I have my hoodie on and if someone walks by the house or one of the neighbours is outside I find my way to the side of the house so no one can see me. So as you can tell not much has changed in the last year. My husband has tried to get work as usual but then an hour after he's left I'm calling him begging him to come home. I recently got a legitimate work from home job that requires me to do inbound calls, even that is hard. I'm so scared I'm going to get an irate customer on the phone and won't be able to handle it. It's nice to have my husband sitting in the chair behind me to calm me down. But that's a double edge sword in itself. We just can't seem to get ahead with me being sick!! I feel so bad. My son got $40 for his birthday last month and the first thing he did was come to me and hubby and say "here you guys need it more than I do". That just broke me heart. Typing about it now is making me want to cry again. Anyways I don't want this entry to be all about the "boo hoo me". What I really wanted to vent is that there are so many people that are affected by depression and agoraphobia but the subject is still so forbidden and misunderstood. The saying never judge a book by its cover is so true when it comes to this illness. You may hear of someone who is suffering from depression and the first thoughts are "Really? suck it up weakling, there are others who have it far more worse than you" It is not a matter of being weak and it is not a matter of others having it far more worse. It's about me. I was always a very strong person and I always used to get back up when I was knocked to the ground. It just came to a point one day when I was no longer able to pick myslef up, although in my eyes every day that I get out of bed and face the day is a giant accomplishment. I hope that one day I will be able to walk out my front door without my hoodie over my head, without my husband by my side, without having to take an hour to actually get out the door. I also hope that society will learn more about the struggles someone with a disability goes through every day just to get out of bed, without judging that person. No one every truly understands or knows until they have a walked a day in our shoes.