Not Suicidal

Well I feel like I don't want to live anymore. Just an overall feeling of doom and gloom. I'm not suicidal or anything no rash thoughts of wanting to kill my self but just no desire to want to continue living. Having to take care of my mom is really taking a toll on me cause I can't even take care of my self and now I'm having to take care of my mom. She's been very sick for the last 11+ weeks she's home from the hospital again so I've been going to her house almost every day to help her down the stairs and make sure she eats something. The problem I'm having is that I can't even do that for myself how am I supposed to do that for someone else? The only person who understands this is my husband. No one else in our family has the faintest clue. Nor do they care. My dreams of home ownership are pretty much nil and I hate living in this doom and gloom basement apartment too. The only time I see the sun is when I go outside to have a smoke. Which is also not helping my attempts to quit that fowl habit. I get frustrated and agitated with my kids easily cause I'm not feeling well. I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out. I don't want to go to my mom's house. I don't want to leave my house. but I hate this place that I'm living in. and being sick with no income isn't going to help change my situation. I don't ever want to be on meds again but I don't know what else there is to do get over this stupid depression. I think moving far away from the rest of my family will help slightly because then I don't have to deal with them but then there's cons to that decision as well. I feel so trapped in my head. I can't get out of it. I feel like the dark is dragging me deeper and deeper into the dark hole and I don't have the desire or the strength to fight to get out. I just want to be dead