Wow its almost been a whole month since I've written anything. Things have been pretty crazy. The most recent being that my mom is really sick. She was hospitalized 8 days ago for what might have been a stroke. The docs still don't have a definate answer as to what is making her sick. She's been going through test after test. I think he's looking for signs of cancer? or at least looking to rule it out. I've been spending my days by her bed side. It has been very hard for me. Mostly cause of my stupid fear of public places. But I just sit beside her bed and don't move till my dad calls me from outside. Then I put the hood on my sweater over my head, pop on the sunglasses and quickly make my way down the hallway and out the doors. Sitting with her has given me lots of time to think about things. Although my mother has played a large part in the way I have been feeling these last few years I am ready to forgive it. The most positive thing about everything is that my life path has brought me two wonderful children and (after a lot of pain and work) a loving husband. It's been very difficult to juggle between hospital and my family. My kids are starting to miss me and my house is a disaster. When I get back in from the hospital I just want to go to sleep. I need to go and see my therapist but I just haven't found the time to go yet and because I am starting to dread going to her. I just feel like she doesn't like me any and I always feel worse when I leave her office because she has told me that she can't help me, or that if I don't take pills then why bother coming. Tell me how I am supposed to sit there for an hour and tell her everything private that I hold in when I don't feel comfortable with her?
Anyways I don't know what is going to happen to my mom. If she does get better and gets to go home she is going to be going back into a hell hole, my dad is still being my dad and wanting a divorce my big sis is going to be even more on her case about her health and nagging her, and my little sis.... well she might change and help out more around the house and not be so rude to everyone? maybe? All I know is that if she does get better it will be only a matter of time before she is back in the hospital cause nothing is going to change in that household. I just pray to God to limit her suffering. She's suffered enough her whole life and now with this illness. My dad always tells me that deep down she has always loved me the most. And I know growing up my sisters used to always say "Anything for DARLING Meena".
Mama I love you soooooooo much and I wish that things could have been different for you. The only thing I can do now is to pray that you don't have to continue to suffer. I love you
