Not Suicidal

Well I feel like I don't want to live anymore. Just an overall feeling of doom and gloom. I'm not suicidal or anything no rash thoughts of wanting to kill my self but just no desire to want to continue living. Having to take care of my mom is really taking a toll on me cause I can't even take care of my self and now I'm having to take care of my mom. She's been very sick for the last 11+ weeks she's home from the hospital again so I've been going to her house almost every day to help her down the stairs and make sure she eats something. The problem I'm having is that I can't even do that for myself how am I supposed to do that for someone else? The only person who understands this is my husband. No one else in our family has the faintest clue. Nor do they care. My dreams of home ownership are pretty much nil and I hate living in this doom and gloom basement apartment too. The only time I see the sun is when I go outside to have a smoke. Which is also not helping my attempts to quit that fowl habit. I get frustrated and agitated with my kids easily cause I'm not feeling well. I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out. I don't want to go to my mom's house. I don't want to leave my house. but I hate this place that I'm living in. and being sick with no income isn't going to help change my situation. I don't ever want to be on meds again but I don't know what else there is to do get over this stupid depression. I think moving far away from the rest of my family will help slightly because then I don't have to deal with them but then there's cons to that decision as well. I feel so trapped in my head. I can't get out of it. I feel like the dark is dragging me deeper and deeper into the dark hole and I don't have the desire or the strength to fight to get out. I just want to be dead

Mom is sick

Wow its almost been a whole month since I've written anything. Things have been pretty crazy. The most recent being that my mom is really sick. She was hospitalized 8 days ago for what might have been a stroke. The docs still don't have a definate answer as to what is making her sick. She's been going through test after test. I think he's looking for signs of cancer? or at least looking to rule it out. I've been spending my days by her bed side. It has been very hard for me. Mostly cause of my stupid fear of public places. But I just sit beside her bed and don't move till my dad calls me from outside. Then I put the hood on my sweater over my head, pop on the sunglasses and quickly make my way down the hallway and out the doors. Sitting with her has given me lots of time to think about things. Although my mother has played a large part in the way I have been feeling these last few years I am ready to forgive it. The most positive thing about everything is that my life path has brought me two wonderful children and (after a lot of pain and work) a loving husband. It's been very difficult to juggle between hospital and my family. My kids are starting to miss me and my house is a disaster. When I get back in from the hospital I just want to go to sleep. I need to go and see my therapist but I just haven't found the time to go yet and because I am starting to dread going to her. I just feel like she doesn't like me any and I always feel worse when I leave her office because she has told me that she can't help me, or that if I don't take pills then why bother coming. Tell me how I am supposed to sit there for an hour and tell her everything private that I hold in when I don't feel comfortable with her?

Anyways I don't know what is going to happen to my mom. If she does get better and gets to go home she is going to be going back into a hell hole, my dad is still being my dad and wanting a divorce my big sis is going to be even more on her case about her health and nagging her, and my little sis.... well she might change and help out more around the house and not be so rude to everyone? maybe? All I know is that if she does get better it will be only a matter of time before she is back in the hospital cause nothing is going to change in that household. I just pray to God to limit her suffering. She's suffered enough her whole life and now with this illness. My dad always tells me that deep down she has always loved me the most. And I know growing up my sisters used to always say "Anything for DARLING Meena".

Mama I love you soooooooo much and I wish that things could have been different for you. The only thing I can do now is to pray that you don't have to continue to suffer. I love you

Think my Therapist Hates Me

Well I was supposed to meet with my therapist on Jan 5 but the stomach flu hit my household pretty hard. I left her a message to reschedule and she never called me back. I seriously think she hates me. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to find another therapist because then I have to go through the whole panic attacks and fear before meeting the new one. Not to mention having to go and sit in the family doctor's office with a whole bunch of strangers to get a referral. But if I don't keep up with the therapy then my disability claim will be revoked. So many things to deal with. I really feel like she doesn't like me at all. Sometimes she's been so mean to me that I've cried my eyes out the whole session and then when I get home I don't want to go back there ever again.
I'm not sure what the solution is. This whole depressive period has been horrible. I feel like nothing is working and none of my therapists are willing to help me. They see me for a few months/year and then because of the paper work for my disability I feel like they get tired of me and they suggest seeing someone else cause there is nothing more for them to do for me. One tells me get off the medication the other one tells me if you're not on medication I can't help you. I'm so confused.
Maybe I'm not as nice a person I think I am cause it just seems like no one really likes me. I don't talk badly about people. I try my hardest not to judge people and if I do think something of someone I sure as heck wouldn't say it to them to make them feel bad. I love my kids and my family and my friends. Overall I think I'm an alright person. Just seems like no one else thinks so.
Please excuse me while I go put my hand in the snow bank

Feel so left out but it's my own fault

Well I was actually able to bring my self to go to a New Year's day open house at a childhood friend's home. Up until we actually left the house I wasn't sure if I was going to go and my husband had already mentioned that he would go with the kids if I wasn't feeling up to it. As soon as we got there I regretted the decision to go. There were sooooo many people there. I started to feel the temperature rise and the sweat beads start to form. I was trying to make my way to my mom but it was difficult to get through all the people. I almost passed out from the lack of air. Then the kitchen cleared out and there was only 2 or 3 people in the kitchen that I didn't know or feel comfortable with. Then again the next wave of visitors came and again the anxiety kicked in. It was really intense. I almost passed out again. My children had bolted to the basement where the other kids were, so I slowly made my way down there. Once I was down there I felt so much better. It was cooler and there were only 2 other adults down there. One of which was my husband. I spent the remainder of our 1 1/2 hr visit down there. Then upon leaving you couldn't get me out of there faster. I bolted for the door. I think my friend may have been insulted but not sure as she is one of the few people that know about what I'm going through. I can't help but feel so left out of everything. All my other childhood friends still get together and do dinners at each others houses. I never get an invite. At the parties that I do finally get my self to I feel so secluded. I know I do it myself. I sit in a corner or away from everyone and don't talk to anyone unless they start the conversation first. I know that this is all my own fault and that no one is purposely leaving me out. But then I feel like I'm being left out because I'm being judged or they don't like me. Even when I try to reconnect with old friends it seems like no one is responsive.

I know that I have done this to myself by being weak and letting this agoraphobia and depression win over me. I just don't know what I can do get back that strong, friendly, social girl I used to be before my daughter was born. I hate not having any energy to do anything, and being too scared to do anything. How am I going to get passed this?