If everyone else gives up on me how can I not do the same?

Well I feel like my therapist is giving up on me now too. So she wants me to go to some sort of S.T.A.R.T program. I would be going to these classes every day for a full day. Almost like being back to work. I understand that it is supposed to be a very good thing and will teach me lots and get me back to routine and going out in public and being exposed to people. BUT it scares the crap right out of me. I bawled my eyes out my entire session this morning. And then she tells me that if I don't go on meds or to this START program then there's no point in me going to see her anymore. She said there is nothing more she can do for me. I absolutely refuse to go back on medication. My symptoms were so much more intense and destructive when I was on the medication. I will never do that again. Do I tell her "fine put me back on meds" and then not take them? I don't want to do that. I'm feeling so alone right now. cause even the therapist that I was seeing before I went to this one said to me well I think you should go see someone else cause we're just not getting anywhere. And now she is saying the same thing to me. So if these people who are the professionals are telling me that maybe I need something else cause nothing they are doing is working what the F&*k am I supposed to do? My eyes are so tired and sore from crying so much at my session. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish all the fears, the crying, the panic, the insecurities, everything would just go away. I want to be the person I used to be. The one that would just shrug everything off, the one that was so strong and always kept getting back up whenever I fell. Instead I'm this stupid, pathetic, loser who can't deal with real life and going out in public. A fat slob with no motivation or desire to get better is probably what the doctors are thinking........ I'm so pathetic