Survived Christmas At the Crazy House

Well I survived Christmas at my parents house.....Barely! We got to my parents house on Christmas eve after sometime after 7pm. I was feeling kinda sad because my husband had to buy his own Christmas presents cause I couldn't bring myself to go to the store. He would call from the store and I would say "Remember that jacket you were looking at? Well go pick it up" He said he didn't mind and not to worry about it. But I still felt horrible. I started drinking wine 10 mins into my visit and I don't think I stopped till Monday morning. oddly enough I guess I didn't really drink that much because I never once felt light headed or sick nor did I have a headache in the morning. Anyways for the most part I was alright after all my family was there and my entire safety network. Christmas morning is when the anxiety started to kick in. whenever my kids opened a gift from my older sister she had to keep screaming out that it was from her. Actually anyone for that matter. That started the angst of wanting to tell her it doesn't matter who it came from. But for fear of confrontation and then resulting in me having a panic attack and crying that I want to go home I sat there quietly and tried to redirect my attention to something else. My parents were alright with each other I don't think they argued once the whole time we were there. My little sister didn't act rudely towards me or say anything inappropriate the entire weekend. We actually made some peace outside during our smoke breaks. We said we were going to work on being close again.
My older sister is a different story. I try to be patient with because I know if ever I am in trouble that she would be the first person to come to my aide. However, having said that she is the most difficult to deal with. In her eyes she can do no wrong. It is everyone else around her who is wrong. She started up with my son (9yr old vs 40yr old). She had rude spats with my mother, my father, my sister and me. I try to be assertive as my therapist has been teaching me but sometimes even that doesn't work. We were planning to go to Bingo on Monday afternoon. Me and my mom, then of course my older sister wanted to come. I started to have massive anxiety about going to bingo. It would've been very crowded with all the other bingo goers off of work and quite honestly I haven't been to Bingo since my mother in law died (My bingo partner) I don't think I'm ready to go yet since she passed, and the crowd issue and having to go with my older sister who would be asking me every second what to do. I just couldn't take it. So I told my mom I wasn't feeling like going.

I felt really bad cause I know my mom really wanted to go. She's only been once before and that was with me and my mother in law. I wish my mother in law was still alive. I think life would be really different. I was very close to her. I felt closer to her than I do my own mom. very sad thinking about her. okay tears are coming. change subject.

anyways by sunday night I wanted to come home but my mother asked me to stay one more night so we did. by the time I got home on Monday evening I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and be by myself. I just had way too much exposure. Tuesday I just stayed in my house by myself with no contact with anyone. My dad wanted me to go and help him clean one of his clients houses before the new owners took possession but I just wanted to be alone.

My husband tried working again this week but again I couldn't be alone for too long. How the hell am I going to get over this? Saturday one of my really good child hood friends is having an open house drop by thing. I really want to go to see her but I am having major anxiety about it. I'm trying to not really think about it and my hubby keeps telling me that he is going to be there with me and my kids and that nothing is going to happen and because it is a drop in we can go and come back any time we want to. I feel so sad that I have lost so many friends since this stupid depression kicked in. My one and only true best friend understands what I'm going through cause her dad went through it and although I still see her and talk to her every so often I feel like if I wasn't going through this stupid stuff we would see each other a lot more and do more things together. Most of my other friends have just kind of faded out in the background because I always decline invitations, or because I just don't take the initiative to keep in touch or do things with them. Its really quite lonely despite all the noise in my head :(
Okay well the tears are starting and I can't really see my screen. I'll write more another time. I wish I could just get away from everything and start fresh with my family somewhere else.

If everyone else gives up on me how can I not do the same?

Well I feel like my therapist is giving up on me now too. So she wants me to go to some sort of S.T.A.R.T program. I would be going to these classes every day for a full day. Almost like being back to work. I understand that it is supposed to be a very good thing and will teach me lots and get me back to routine and going out in public and being exposed to people. BUT it scares the crap right out of me. I bawled my eyes out my entire session this morning. And then she tells me that if I don't go on meds or to this START program then there's no point in me going to see her anymore. She said there is nothing more she can do for me. I absolutely refuse to go back on medication. My symptoms were so much more intense and destructive when I was on the medication. I will never do that again. Do I tell her "fine put me back on meds" and then not take them? I don't want to do that. I'm feeling so alone right now. cause even the therapist that I was seeing before I went to this one said to me well I think you should go see someone else cause we're just not getting anywhere. And now she is saying the same thing to me. So if these people who are the professionals are telling me that maybe I need something else cause nothing they are doing is working what the F&*k am I supposed to do? My eyes are so tired and sore from crying so much at my session. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish all the fears, the crying, the panic, the insecurities, everything would just go away. I want to be the person I used to be. The one that would just shrug everything off, the one that was so strong and always kept getting back up whenever I fell. Instead I'm this stupid, pathetic, loser who can't deal with real life and going out in public. A fat slob with no motivation or desire to get better is probably what the doctors are thinking........ I'm so pathetic

Silver Lining

Well today is my 34th Birthday! After a long heart felt talk with one of my friends I am starting to look at and realize all the blessings I truly have! I've got an awesome, loving, very supportive husband, a son that just adores me and a beautiful little girl who loves me unconditionally!! I'm trying to roll with this positive vibe that I have found. My husband has partnered up with someone for the business which means a more stable job/money flow with the flexibility to still be there for me when/if I need him!! I am not going to think about medications to fix me. I just have to keep looking at what's around me and to keep loving my time with them. Now the only thing that I really need to tackle is the agoraphobia. Still having some issues with that. I still don't want to expose myself to outsiders it scares the crap out of me. But I did manage to face that fear on Saturday evening. A husband and wife that I had met over 14 yrs ago at a youth convention came to meet up with me and my family on Saturday at a restaurant. All day before heading to the restaurant I was having anxiety. I didn't want them to see me, I didn't want them to see how much I had physically changed since they last saw me. I kept trying to think up excuses for them not to come. But then finally it was time to get there and no way out. It wasn't bad at all. If anything I have been re-acquainted with them and our children love playing together. I can do this. baby steps.... but I can do this.

Money's running out

Well its the beginning of December and the money's already starting to dry up. I think I have just enough in the account for next months bills and then NOTHING, nada, zilch, zero. I don't know what we are going to do? The last job of the season that hubby worked on won't be paid till the spring because the client is being a douche. So that put a big dip in our budget. I'm starting to panic. I don't know what to do. If that money had come in we would've been perfect till work started up again. but now that it is not in we're going to be in big trouble. I've been thinking about going back to work. I mean I have to do what I have to do. But every single time I think about having to go out into the world again on a daily basis and be susceptible to back stabbing, judgements, and criticism, I go to a full out 10 on the panic meter. I wouldn't have any one of my security networks there with me and I would have to deal with it all on my own. I don't think I could do that. Just thinking about it now to write this is making my heart beat fast and I'm feeling sick to my stomach. Gosh I am so tired of all this being on MY shoulders all the time. I choose this path and like my therapist always says I can't change anyone. I either choose to do what I have to do or I deal with it. cause there is no way of changing anyone else but me.

How am I supposed to motivate anyone else around me when I can't even motivate myself? I haven't seen my therapist in while but other than meds I don't know how she can really help me. I mean it helps to talk to her and to have her say things I already know but need to hear from someone else. I really need to get back into the positive vibe of life. I've been feeling so slumped for the last 3 years. Before all this crap I was always so strong and so positive. Just feel that with all of life's struggles I've been through it just chipped away at everything and I don't know how to rebuild it. FML