Am I Selfish?

So my dad has officially filed for divorce. This brought about an interesting conversation with my older sister. Because of the lack of relationship between my other two sisters and my dad it's basically going to be just me to take care of my father when age catches up to him and he can't do it himself. I have no problems with that. Since I moved out of my parents house I've always felt like Cinderella must've with her step mom and two step sisters. Or the three witches. They have always criticized me, judged me and commented on my parenting. As if any of them could do a better job. So my sister says to me "Just because I'm not married doesn't mean that I have to take on the responsibility of taking care of my aging mother". Now that my parents are getting divorced once they settle on selling the house my dad is going to take his half and get a new place to live and my mother is going to take her half and her two daughters and find their own place to live. So basically my sister was telling me that medications, and rent and utilities and whatever else my mom isn't going to be able to cover all of it on her own so she is going to have to pick up the difference. And that I HAVE to contribute to it. I simply told her that until I have enough money saved up to put both my children through post secondary education and our own house I can't give anything. First and foremost my priority is my little family unit. My kids and my husband. My parents didn't pay for my education. I got $1500 I think for first semester down payment first year. That's it. I'm not saying I'm not going to help out. I've already talked to my dad about him moving in with us. So I am going to be doing my share. But my older sister seemed so distraught that I said until I have school money and my own house that I wasn't helping out.... Am I being selfish? My mom will always have her other two daughters. They always do things together without me all the time. For the last 10 years they've been their own family unit. I've got enough of my own issues to deal with. My sisters are only responsible for themselves. I have two small kids and a husband I'm responsible for all 4 of us. Grrrr just makes me so angry that whenever my older sister and my mom talk to me its always "well you SHOULD do this, or you SHOULD say this, or why didn't you do this why didn't you say that, why didn't you do that" I've been on my own for 12 years now. When are they going to get it that I'm my own person with my own life. Too much confrontation. Gosh the longer I am around them the worse my fear of the public gets because I don't want to have to deal with another confrontation, or being told what to do by anyone else.

Why Us?!?

So this evening my mom got mugged in the parking lot of a very busy large mall close to their house. She got thrown to the ground as the stupid teenagers ripped the purse from her shoulder and hands. I know I should be grateful that she wasn't hurt badly a few scrapes, bumps and bruises but everything else alright. But I'm so ANGRY, upset..... my parents might be getting a divorce this is the last thing any of us in this family needs. Wish I could turn off the imaginative thoughts that keep running through my mind right now. Like somehow finding the idiots and beating the crap out of them, or not so brave thinking about all these fatal home invasions that have been in the news lately and thinking that these thieves know where my family lives now. This is definately not helping my agoraphobia. This just makes me want to stay at home with my family and not have to deal with anyone or anything outside of my security bubble. My poor mom. I know I blame her a lot for all the shit I'm going through as an adult, but she really needs something good in her life. I feel so horrible for my mom and dad. They are getting older and I don't think they have really ever enjoyed life. Wish I could do something or wave a wand and change things for them. I just want them to be able to look back on life when its their turn to leave us and say "I've had a good life, it's time for me to move on" I guess this divorce thing is affecting me more than I thought. I don't want to see my parents get divorced, but they can't keep living the way they have been. My sisters need to move out and be on their own living their own lives so that my parents can have their home to themselves and live their lives. My thoughts are all over the place. worrying about my parents, scared for my kids and my own family unit, scared of going out even more now. Random acts of violence, confrontation..... OMG I think I'm going to have a meltdown. My mom has been going to that mall for the last 30 years nothing's ever happened like this. And its so close to their home. This is probably going to fuel my father's wanting to sell the house too. He's going to say something like it's becoming a bad area now. need to move. blah blah. feeling really sick to my stomach. I think I have to puke. Too much to think about too. too many tears blurring up my screen

The Light is so far away

I'm really feeling hopeless. I can feel me slowly slipping deeper and deeper back into the depths of my depression. The smallest things upset me and the littlest things stress me out. Right now I'm going thru a rough patch there's an issue from my husbands past that has come up and it is causing me mass amounts of stress. I'm worried about my parents and my son too. I'm seriously sitting on the fence about meds. I'm supposed to go to CBT tomorrow its a special one with a doc that was going to come in and talk about meds. I would really like to go but hubby has to be somewhere and even if I take him and have a car that still leaves me with the issue of not having someone to watch our little peanut. The other problem is that if I miss this CBT that will be 3 and the grp leader said that there really isn't any point in continuing with this grp if you miss more than 2 sessions since there are only 8 in total. I could ask the family to take peanut tonight but I really want to limit her exposure to that crazy household. Right now she is too young to understand the poisons in that house but that doesn't mean its not going to negatively affect her like it has my son.

I'm so confused and lost I wish I could make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I have no clue what to do. I hated the person I was on medication and I hate the person I am again becoming without the medication. Gosh I wish I could just pull my brain out of my head, give it a good beating and get over this depression. I wonder if my hormonal imbalance has anything to do with the way I'm feeling directly. I know indirectly the side effects of the imbalance contribute to it but wondering if the chemical functions in my brain are being affected by the imbalance aswell..... So lost!

What's the solution?

So this is the dilemma. I bitch and complain that my husband doesn't take the initiative to get work and bring some more money into the household, but then when he's not home I'm a basket case. I don't eat all day until he gets home, I stay in my pj's, I do feed my daughter but let the television or her toys babysit her while I sit at my computer staring at the screen or browsing facebook all day to get my social fix. I don't brush my teeth or my hair and I feel anxious until he walks through the door. Then he gets mad at me for not eating anything all day. Oh and then my lungs hurt cause I've been going outside every hour to have a smoke to try and calm my nerves down. When he's home he takes care of everything. He gets our son off to school (breakfast fed, lunch made, warm clothes) When I get up makes me breakfast and brings me my vitamin, feeds our daughter, plays with her, does whatever she asks or needs. Gently encourages me to go for a shower, or brush my teeth, or come and help with something for his work. Anything to get me engaged in something other than my own thoughts. So when he's out of the house I'm miserable but when he is home I'm miserable thinking about money and what's going to happen to us. If he's gone for more than an hour I start to go into a shell. How the hell can I get upset with him for not working more then he does when I get upset with him for leaving me alone for too long? I feel bad for my baby girl. When papa's not home I hardly interact with her but when he's home I'm in a foul mood worrying about him not working. I feel so two faced. I'm such a horrible mother/wife. I cry my eyes out and those two sweet innocent kids come to hug me and comfort me while they wonder why I'm crying, or what's wrong, who's hurt me or said what? I don't want to be like this anymore. I want this to go away. Where's my fairy god mother and her magic wand to hocus pocus all this shit away?

Should I go back on Meds?

Does the fact that I refuse to go back on medication mean I'm anymore less disabled? I've been having such a hard time with my emotions again for the last few weeks, that I'm beginning to think that I should go back to popping pills. The background on my hesitation to taking pills is this: When I was a young, stupid teenager I popped a handful of Tylenol, not enough to kill me but enough to make me feel really sick and get some attention. That's really why I took the pills, was to get attention. Then again as a young, stupid adult (I think I was 19 or 20 at most). I wanted attention and popped some more pills. When the ambulance came to take me to the hospital I didn't tell them that I had tried to overdose. So instead of pumping my stomach and getting me the help I really needed they gave me Gravol and IV till I felt better. Not really sure why doctor's trust emotional basket cases like myself with pills to make us feel better. My hubby told me that when I was on the different medications for my depression that he didn't know who I was. It was me physically but that was it. I would space out and just go about the day like a zombie. I would never show any emotions, I was never happy, didn't talk much, showed no interest in anything, and even being on the pills had moments of uncontrollable crying and insomnia. After I stopped the meds, the insomnia almost disappeared, and the ability to feel some sort of joy returned. But now 7 months after being medication free I am starting to slip again. I'm so scared and confused I don't know what to do. I want to get better but I don't want to be on pills. Is there any other form of natural herb or something I can take instead of medication? I've been on effexor, prozac, paxil, zoloft....... GAH... Someone please save me from myself!!