Maybe i really do need meds?

Today has been by far my worst day! It started off with an unexpected visit from our landlord, apparently he was getting the property appraised so he had a surveyor come through my house. Normally this wouldn't be a big thing. But I was the only one home and this man came into my home and went through my house. He opened closets and went into my bedroom and my washroom and the closets in the hallways!! ARGH!! As soon as they left called my hubby on the phone and was bawling my eyes out. I felt so violated. I didn't have time to throw the laundry in the hamper nothing. no warning. I know that I had every right to refuse the landlord entry but that's one of my weaknesses. saying no and being confrontational. It took me 3 hours to recover from this ordeal. Then my mom calls me. She called just to say hi and see what we were doing. Then we started talking and I gave my opinion and when she asked me to elaborate I said no cause you aren't going to listen and when you hear something you don't want to hear you are going to end the conversation. She insisted she wouldn't so I started to let it all out. and the response she gave me was OH WELL

sorry for being so vague but if I got into details this could take days to explain. I ended the conversation with her telling her that my hubby would be coming to pick up my daughter. I don't want her to be in that toxic house where there's is constant backstabbing and fighting. I'm through. I don't want to associate with them anymore. They put the dys in dysfunctional. always judging other people without looking at their own faults. I've had it.

But with all this drama that has been going on in the last few weeks I think I might have to go back on meds. I feel like the emotions are getting too strong again. I've been doing so well since I stopped the meds and got over the withdrawal but now I think I am falling again. I'm so lost, i'm so confused, I'm so tired..... oh so tired. I don't want to go back on meds but I'm beginning to feel like I'm walking down a long tunnel towards the light but suddenly the tunnel seems to be getting longer and longer and the light further and further.

Bad Day yesterday

I didn't make it to CBT yesterday. As the time came closer the anxiety level went to a full blown 10. I started crying, I called the Dr. that hosts the group and spoke with him. I explained to him that I wasn't feeling well. I think its because I did so much on the weekend that I had pushed myself a little too far. After I hung up with the Dr. I lay down on the couch wrapped up in a blanket and cried and cried and cried, until I was exhausted. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today not feeling any anxiety about that. Actually think I'm looking forward to it. God I wish I could just get over all these stupid thoughts. I used to be so social and active and now I just want to stay hidden in my home. If it wasn't for my kids I would want to stay hidden in my bed and never get out. Is this ever going to get better?

New CBT grp today

Well today I start my new CBT group. This group focuses on social interactions. I'm feeling anxious about starting a new group, although I did survive the last one so I keep telling myself everything will be alright. I've been having a lot of anxiety the last few days but I think its just anticipatory for today's group. I survived Thanksgiving festivus this year with no uncomfortable confrontations. Just the usual stressors this week. Money, Change, Kids, spouse, the crazy bunch (parents, siblings). I want so much more for my life, have to get over this stupid depression and agoraphobia so I can accomplish my goals. Spouse is awesome for everything else always supportive and there to listen and not judge but not great at doing things for himself or to better our situation. He's a bit of a dreamer instead of a go getter. k well my brain is being overwhelmed with thoughts now can't pull any one thought out to type out, and its making me dizzy.