No meds

Well the last few days have been kinda hard. Not really sure what's on my mind. Stressed out about the future. Need to find a new home and can't seem to find anything that I like yet. Family is being family. Sometimes just want to move as far away as possible and just live with my hubby and kids. I have my group today. That's a little less stressful. I still hate having to go there and walk across the open area to get to the department but once I'm there for the most part not so panicky about it. Probably more so cause I've been seeing the same faces for 5 weeks now. I had a few crying bouts on Friday and Saturday and I've been feeling really drained out. well gotta go get ready for my grp I'll write again when I get back

Blogging again!!!

Well its been a long time since I've added to my journey. I am proud to say that I am completely medication free! No zaps, no withdrawal symptoms, and no major major crying attacks. April started an early boating season so my husband was busy from the get go with jobs (He does specialized flooring for boats during the summer). This had him working from home to prepare the flooring and then had him away from home for long hours at a time and sometimes for a few nights. I missed out on many important appointments with my psychiatrist. If hubby wasn't around to take me I couldn't go. The anxiety of having to go to the doctor's office with anyone else or even worse by myself would leave me standing at the front door staring out the window and crying. In July hubby had to finish a boat out in 1000 islands so we made it a family trip. When we first got there we checked into the hotel and then hubby was off to work. Leaving me in the hotel room with my two babies (one's 9 the other 3). The two of them shortly became agitated and wouldn't let up till I took them to the pool. At first we went to the outdoor pool because it was the closest and I knew how to get there and there was no one else around, but the misquitos took over. So we went in search of the indoor pool. Thankfully there wasn't a soul in the hallways and we found our way over.

DAY 2 of Family Vacay
Hubby went off to work early in the morning and came back for us at lunch time. While we were in the parking lot of the Timmy's the panic came flying at me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to come home. I started crying my eyes out. My hubby did his usual hold me and remind me that everything is going to be alright and that after he was done with the boat we were going to be heading to the family reunion at his aunt's lake (the most tranquil place I've ever been to). Eventually I calmed down and enjoyed the rest of our week away from home. When I met with my psychiatrist the next week and explained to her about the panic attack she asked me if maybe it had to do with the fact that I was meeting with a new psychologist to join a panic disorder group. Which after thinking about it was probably why I was feeling like that. I have learned that I have anticipatory anxiety
According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, anticipation is a “visualization of a future event or state.” If you have panic disorder (PD), you may find yourself anticipating many life events. Driving to work, going into a store, attending a social gathering and many other activities may be a daily focus of your anticipation. Before panic, you probably didn’t give much thought to any of these common events. But now, anticipation may cause you to feel anxious and interfere with your ability to fully function in your everyday life. This is often called “anticipatory anxiety.” quote from about.com