Day 18

Sorry I haven't posted anything lately. I've been out and about enjoying life a little bit more each day.
The withdrawal from the Paxil is pretty much gone. I am no longer getting the frequent zaps!! I am still getting zaps but not like before. Now I will get one or two later on in the day but that's it. I no longer have to go lay down to escape from that horrible feeling. I also find that I am feeling again. I am actually feeling joy about things and pride. I also feel sadness and anger though. But feeling this makes me feel more alive again.

While I was on the Paxil I did not feel anything. I didn't feel happiness, joy or sadness and anger. I felt nothing. I just went about my day like a robot with no emotion or opinion of things. I am having to learn how to deal with anger and sadness over again and admit that at times I loose my temper and get so frustrated that I start to cry. I know that doesn't sound like the ideal situation for anyone going through depression, however I can tell you that after so many years of being on Pills to numb every kind of emotion it is actually refreshing.

I've always been the non confrontational type. I'd rather build up my anger than express it and have an argument with my family. So I think my family is going to have to learn to deal with me as well. They may feel like I've become a bitch of some sort or "mean" when in actual fact I'm just not holding in my anger anymore, which is what ultimately pushed me to depression. So just like everyone else who feels it is their right to express their dislike for things I am also doing the same. Although it may be shocking to those around me and unpleasant they need to see that I am not doing anything different from what they do. It's different coming from me, yes. But its no different from the rest of the people around us.

I'm sleeping much better now. I've been able to get into more of a schedule. I go to bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the morning, help with brushing teeth, getting dressed, making breakfast and lunches. I'm also very much re-enjoying the intimacy with my husband! No longer just going through the motions out of obligation :)

I've finally rediscovered that I am the one in control of my life, and no one else can make it better or worse! To anyone who feels like they are at the end of their rope...... There is always light at the end of the tunnel and although you may feel lost and alone and like no one around you understands what you are going through, remember that there are thousands of people out there going through the same thing and thousands of others who have been there and found their way out of the tunnel. Be strong and I urge you to get off the SSRIs or better yet don't even start them.

Good luck on your journey as well friends.