Can I do this again?

Wow its almost been a whole year since I've done this. After my last post there was a huge backlash from my family for putting out all my deepest thoughts and "airing my dirty laundry". I started to just write my thoughts down in a journal/diary on paper. I still needed to get out of my head so I wrote it down in a book like I used to before Blogs were around. But I guess my own defiance is that I'm going to type it here if you don't like what it says then go somewhere else. I'm scared to be putting out all my thoughts and emotions for anyone and everyone but I really think that mental illness needs to be put out there. I'm still scared to go anywhere without my security network, and even then when I go out it scares me. It takes me at least an hour before an appointment to get me out the door. Lots of people have asked me why I don't go back on medication. The answer to that is quiet simple. The medicine did not make me better. It made me numb to the world and everything around me. It took away all my emotions. Not just the sad, scary, panic, but the joys and happiness! I still can't go for a walk with my kids. When I step out my front door to have a smoke I have my hoodie on and if someone walks by the house or one of the neighbours is outside I find my way to the side of the house so no one can see me. So as you can tell not much has changed in the last year. My husband has tried to get work as usual but then an hour after he's left I'm calling him begging him to come home. I recently got a legitimate work from home job that requires me to do inbound calls, even that is hard. I'm so scared I'm going to get an irate customer on the phone and won't be able to handle it. It's nice to have my husband sitting in the chair behind me to calm me down. But that's a double edge sword in itself. We just can't seem to get ahead with me being sick!! I feel so bad. My son got $40 for his birthday last month and the first thing he did was come to me and hubby and say "here you guys need it more than I do". That just broke me heart. Typing about it now is making me want to cry again. Anyways I don't want this entry to be all about the "boo hoo me". What I really wanted to vent is that there are so many people that are affected by depression and agoraphobia but the subject is still so forbidden and misunderstood. The saying never judge a book by its cover is so true when it comes to this illness. You may hear of someone who is suffering from depression and the first thoughts are "Really? suck it up weakling, there are others who have it far more worse than you" It is not a matter of being weak and it is not a matter of others having it far more worse. It's about me. I was always a very strong person and I always used to get back up when I was knocked to the ground. It just came to a point one day when I was no longer able to pick myslef up, although in my eyes every day that I get out of bed and face the day is a giant accomplishment. I hope that one day I will be able to walk out my front door without my hoodie over my head, without my husband by my side, without having to take an hour to actually get out the door. I also hope that society will learn more about the struggles someone with a disability goes through every day just to get out of bed, without judging that person. No one every truly understands or knows until they have a walked a day in our shoes.

Not Suicidal

Well I feel like I don't want to live anymore. Just an overall feeling of doom and gloom. I'm not suicidal or anything no rash thoughts of wanting to kill my self but just no desire to want to continue living. Having to take care of my mom is really taking a toll on me cause I can't even take care of my self and now I'm having to take care of my mom. She's been very sick for the last 11+ weeks she's home from the hospital again so I've been going to her house almost every day to help her down the stairs and make sure she eats something. The problem I'm having is that I can't even do that for myself how am I supposed to do that for someone else? The only person who understands this is my husband. No one else in our family has the faintest clue. Nor do they care. My dreams of home ownership are pretty much nil and I hate living in this doom and gloom basement apartment too. The only time I see the sun is when I go outside to have a smoke. Which is also not helping my attempts to quit that fowl habit. I get frustrated and agitated with my kids easily cause I'm not feeling well. I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eyes out. I don't want to go to my mom's house. I don't want to leave my house. but I hate this place that I'm living in. and being sick with no income isn't going to help change my situation. I don't ever want to be on meds again but I don't know what else there is to do get over this stupid depression. I think moving far away from the rest of my family will help slightly because then I don't have to deal with them but then there's cons to that decision as well. I feel so trapped in my head. I can't get out of it. I feel like the dark is dragging me deeper and deeper into the dark hole and I don't have the desire or the strength to fight to get out. I just want to be dead

Mom is sick

Wow its almost been a whole month since I've written anything. Things have been pretty crazy. The most recent being that my mom is really sick. She was hospitalized 8 days ago for what might have been a stroke. The docs still don't have a definate answer as to what is making her sick. She's been going through test after test. I think he's looking for signs of cancer? or at least looking to rule it out. I've been spending my days by her bed side. It has been very hard for me. Mostly cause of my stupid fear of public places. But I just sit beside her bed and don't move till my dad calls me from outside. Then I put the hood on my sweater over my head, pop on the sunglasses and quickly make my way down the hallway and out the doors. Sitting with her has given me lots of time to think about things. Although my mother has played a large part in the way I have been feeling these last few years I am ready to forgive it. The most positive thing about everything is that my life path has brought me two wonderful children and (after a lot of pain and work) a loving husband. It's been very difficult to juggle between hospital and my family. My kids are starting to miss me and my house is a disaster. When I get back in from the hospital I just want to go to sleep. I need to go and see my therapist but I just haven't found the time to go yet and because I am starting to dread going to her. I just feel like she doesn't like me any and I always feel worse when I leave her office because she has told me that she can't help me, or that if I don't take pills then why bother coming. Tell me how I am supposed to sit there for an hour and tell her everything private that I hold in when I don't feel comfortable with her?

Anyways I don't know what is going to happen to my mom. If she does get better and gets to go home she is going to be going back into a hell hole, my dad is still being my dad and wanting a divorce my big sis is going to be even more on her case about her health and nagging her, and my little sis.... well she might change and help out more around the house and not be so rude to everyone? maybe? All I know is that if she does get better it will be only a matter of time before she is back in the hospital cause nothing is going to change in that household. I just pray to God to limit her suffering. She's suffered enough her whole life and now with this illness. My dad always tells me that deep down she has always loved me the most. And I know growing up my sisters used to always say "Anything for DARLING Meena".

Mama I love you soooooooo much and I wish that things could have been different for you. The only thing I can do now is to pray that you don't have to continue to suffer. I love you

Think my Therapist Hates Me

Well I was supposed to meet with my therapist on Jan 5 but the stomach flu hit my household pretty hard. I left her a message to reschedule and she never called me back. I seriously think she hates me. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to find another therapist because then I have to go through the whole panic attacks and fear before meeting the new one. Not to mention having to go and sit in the family doctor's office with a whole bunch of strangers to get a referral. But if I don't keep up with the therapy then my disability claim will be revoked. So many things to deal with. I really feel like she doesn't like me at all. Sometimes she's been so mean to me that I've cried my eyes out the whole session and then when I get home I don't want to go back there ever again.
I'm not sure what the solution is. This whole depressive period has been horrible. I feel like nothing is working and none of my therapists are willing to help me. They see me for a few months/year and then because of the paper work for my disability I feel like they get tired of me and they suggest seeing someone else cause there is nothing more for them to do for me. One tells me get off the medication the other one tells me if you're not on medication I can't help you. I'm so confused.
Maybe I'm not as nice a person I think I am cause it just seems like no one really likes me. I don't talk badly about people. I try my hardest not to judge people and if I do think something of someone I sure as heck wouldn't say it to them to make them feel bad. I love my kids and my family and my friends. Overall I think I'm an alright person. Just seems like no one else thinks so.
Please excuse me while I go put my hand in the snow bank

Feel so left out but it's my own fault

Well I was actually able to bring my self to go to a New Year's day open house at a childhood friend's home. Up until we actually left the house I wasn't sure if I was going to go and my husband had already mentioned that he would go with the kids if I wasn't feeling up to it. As soon as we got there I regretted the decision to go. There were sooooo many people there. I started to feel the temperature rise and the sweat beads start to form. I was trying to make my way to my mom but it was difficult to get through all the people. I almost passed out from the lack of air. Then the kitchen cleared out and there was only 2 or 3 people in the kitchen that I didn't know or feel comfortable with. Then again the next wave of visitors came and again the anxiety kicked in. It was really intense. I almost passed out again. My children had bolted to the basement where the other kids were, so I slowly made my way down there. Once I was down there I felt so much better. It was cooler and there were only 2 other adults down there. One of which was my husband. I spent the remainder of our 1 1/2 hr visit down there. Then upon leaving you couldn't get me out of there faster. I bolted for the door. I think my friend may have been insulted but not sure as she is one of the few people that know about what I'm going through. I can't help but feel so left out of everything. All my other childhood friends still get together and do dinners at each others houses. I never get an invite. At the parties that I do finally get my self to I feel so secluded. I know I do it myself. I sit in a corner or away from everyone and don't talk to anyone unless they start the conversation first. I know that this is all my own fault and that no one is purposely leaving me out. But then I feel like I'm being left out because I'm being judged or they don't like me. Even when I try to reconnect with old friends it seems like no one is responsive.

I know that I have done this to myself by being weak and letting this agoraphobia and depression win over me. I just don't know what I can do get back that strong, friendly, social girl I used to be before my daughter was born. I hate not having any energy to do anything, and being too scared to do anything. How am I going to get passed this?

Survived Christmas At the Crazy House

Well I survived Christmas at my parents house.....Barely! We got to my parents house on Christmas eve after sometime after 7pm. I was feeling kinda sad because my husband had to buy his own Christmas presents cause I couldn't bring myself to go to the store. He would call from the store and I would say "Remember that jacket you were looking at? Well go pick it up" He said he didn't mind and not to worry about it. But I still felt horrible. I started drinking wine 10 mins into my visit and I don't think I stopped till Monday morning. oddly enough I guess I didn't really drink that much because I never once felt light headed or sick nor did I have a headache in the morning. Anyways for the most part I was alright after all my family was there and my entire safety network. Christmas morning is when the anxiety started to kick in. whenever my kids opened a gift from my older sister she had to keep screaming out that it was from her. Actually anyone for that matter. That started the angst of wanting to tell her it doesn't matter who it came from. But for fear of confrontation and then resulting in me having a panic attack and crying that I want to go home I sat there quietly and tried to redirect my attention to something else. My parents were alright with each other I don't think they argued once the whole time we were there. My little sister didn't act rudely towards me or say anything inappropriate the entire weekend. We actually made some peace outside during our smoke breaks. We said we were going to work on being close again.
My older sister is a different story. I try to be patient with because I know if ever I am in trouble that she would be the first person to come to my aide. However, having said that she is the most difficult to deal with. In her eyes she can do no wrong. It is everyone else around her who is wrong. She started up with my son (9yr old vs 40yr old). She had rude spats with my mother, my father, my sister and me. I try to be assertive as my therapist has been teaching me but sometimes even that doesn't work. We were planning to go to Bingo on Monday afternoon. Me and my mom, then of course my older sister wanted to come. I started to have massive anxiety about going to bingo. It would've been very crowded with all the other bingo goers off of work and quite honestly I haven't been to Bingo since my mother in law died (My bingo partner) I don't think I'm ready to go yet since she passed, and the crowd issue and having to go with my older sister who would be asking me every second what to do. I just couldn't take it. So I told my mom I wasn't feeling like going.

I felt really bad cause I know my mom really wanted to go. She's only been once before and that was with me and my mother in law. I wish my mother in law was still alive. I think life would be really different. I was very close to her. I felt closer to her than I do my own mom. very sad thinking about her. okay tears are coming. change subject.

anyways by sunday night I wanted to come home but my mother asked me to stay one more night so we did. by the time I got home on Monday evening I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and be by myself. I just had way too much exposure. Tuesday I just stayed in my house by myself with no contact with anyone. My dad wanted me to go and help him clean one of his clients houses before the new owners took possession but I just wanted to be alone.

My husband tried working again this week but again I couldn't be alone for too long. How the hell am I going to get over this? Saturday one of my really good child hood friends is having an open house drop by thing. I really want to go to see her but I am having major anxiety about it. I'm trying to not really think about it and my hubby keeps telling me that he is going to be there with me and my kids and that nothing is going to happen and because it is a drop in we can go and come back any time we want to. I feel so sad that I have lost so many friends since this stupid depression kicked in. My one and only true best friend understands what I'm going through cause her dad went through it and although I still see her and talk to her every so often I feel like if I wasn't going through this stupid stuff we would see each other a lot more and do more things together. Most of my other friends have just kind of faded out in the background because I always decline invitations, or because I just don't take the initiative to keep in touch or do things with them. Its really quite lonely despite all the noise in my head :(
Okay well the tears are starting and I can't really see my screen. I'll write more another time. I wish I could just get away from everything and start fresh with my family somewhere else.

If everyone else gives up on me how can I not do the same?

Well I feel like my therapist is giving up on me now too. So she wants me to go to some sort of S.T.A.R.T program. I would be going to these classes every day for a full day. Almost like being back to work. I understand that it is supposed to be a very good thing and will teach me lots and get me back to routine and going out in public and being exposed to people. BUT it scares the crap right out of me. I bawled my eyes out my entire session this morning. And then she tells me that if I don't go on meds or to this START program then there's no point in me going to see her anymore. She said there is nothing more she can do for me. I absolutely refuse to go back on medication. My symptoms were so much more intense and destructive when I was on the medication. I will never do that again. Do I tell her "fine put me back on meds" and then not take them? I don't want to do that. I'm feeling so alone right now. cause even the therapist that I was seeing before I went to this one said to me well I think you should go see someone else cause we're just not getting anywhere. And now she is saying the same thing to me. So if these people who are the professionals are telling me that maybe I need something else cause nothing they are doing is working what the F&*k am I supposed to do? My eyes are so tired and sore from crying so much at my session. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish all the fears, the crying, the panic, the insecurities, everything would just go away. I want to be the person I used to be. The one that would just shrug everything off, the one that was so strong and always kept getting back up whenever I fell. Instead I'm this stupid, pathetic, loser who can't deal with real life and going out in public. A fat slob with no motivation or desire to get better is probably what the doctors are thinking........ I'm so pathetic